


#AnEducation

by mlle_imandeus, SharksWrites



Category: Sam & Cat (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-31
Updated: 2014-08-31
Packaged: 2018-02-15 11:44:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2227776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mlle_imandeus/pseuds/mlle_imandeus, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SharksWrites/pseuds/SharksWrites





	#AnEducation

Dice had been hanging around the apartment all afternoon. He was often there, it was true, but when he'd been there for three hours with a look of obvious distraction even Sam began to notice. Finally she called him in from the patio, interrupting his daze.

"Alright, Dice, what gives? You've been acting crazy all day." Sam asked.

"Am I being that obvious?" Dice asked worriedly.

"No, buddy,” Sam said, placing a hand gently on his arm. “I'm just _really_ observant and I care about you. It hurts me to see you struggling."

There was a moment of silence as she looked into his eyes. She couldn’t keep up the guise for long though, almost immediately dissolving into laughter.

"Yes you're that obvious, you little doof.” Sam said. She started laughing again.

“Sam.” Dice complained.

"Alright, alright, I'm done, whachoo need?"

"This is kind of embarrassing and I'm not going to be able to do it if you're still laughing. Are you sure you're done laughing at me?" Dice asked.

"Not forever, if that's what you're asking. But for the moment, yeah I'm pretty sure I'm good." Sam said.

"Now you know about…sex, right?" He whispered the word 'sex' before returning to his natural volume.

Sam smiled, "Yeah, I've heard of it."

"Well there's this girl I like. And you see the day they put the boys and girls in separate rooms and pulled the shades down I had to miss school because I was getting in a big shipment of losing team super bowl merch. And my mom said she wouldn't sign for a shipment that big." Dice said.

"So you like a girl. Not dating her, just like her and you immediately jump to. 'I better learn how to have sex'. That's some messed up chiz, son." Sam said. "I mean I have to applaud your confidence but this girl is a person with feelings." She knew Dice wasn't like that, but he was already flustered and it was pretty funny. So she thought she might as well pump it up some and see if it got funnier.

It did.

 

Dice blushed so bright his head looked like a tomato with one of those pot scrubber things on the top for his poofy hair. Which got heaps better (or worse, depending) when she pointed out what she thought he looked like.

"Sam, you know I'm not like that. I'm nothing like that. I'm the opposite of that. It's just, liking this girl made me realize I don't know anything. I mean _anything_." Dice said. Hurt, embarrassed, and now kind of angry.

Sam wanted so badly to keep going. She wanted it so badly she was almost shaking. But cat had sat her down the other day and talked to her about not knowing when to quit. And she kinda wanted to feel like that was a lie, but she knew it wasn't. So she was trying to change.

"But how, Dice? You have internet. How could you be completely clueless at this point? I went to high school with a girl who thought third base was anal. I can understand that. I mean, a little. But you being in high school and not knowing if you put your weenie in her or on her?" Sam said exasperated.

"I'm supposed to put my weenie on her? But that's where I pee from. And what the heck is anal. Third base is tongues right?"

"Ummm, in order. Kinda, wash it first, not yet, and yes; but it depends on what you think you do with the tongues." Sam said.

"See? That’s why I need your help." Dice said.

"You need more help than I wanna give. But fine. You said tomorrow was a teacher in service day, so come over in the morning while Cat's at school. We can get this all sorted, then you can take me to lunch at bots to say thank you. Then get me a tub o chicken on the way home." Sam said.

"Okay, fine whatever. Just help me." Dice replied, giving in.

* * *

 

Monday morning, Sam woke to Cat calling her from the open door. "Sam, telephone."

Sam stamped out to the phone looking angry.

"I don't know who it is. But there are only four people on earth who are allowed to call me at this hour. Well, five, but one of them's here. Melanie barely made that list and my mom didn't make it at all. This is bul-yeah?" she switched from surly and ranting to just surly as she picked up the phone.

Mister Mumpkin sat at his desk getting more and more frustrated. His girl was taking forever to answer a call he shouldn’t even be making. He only was because his predecessor thought she was a big enough name to warrant special treatment. And given the news he had to give her, he felt it was only right that he talk to her himself.

"This is bul-yeah?" A voice finally said into the phone. It didn't finish its statement of an eight-letter word beginning with bul- but Mr. Mumpkin agreed completely with the sentiment.

 

"Is this Ms. Samantha Puckett?" He confirmed.

"Who wants to know?" Sam challenged.

"Yes, I am Mister Mumpkin, Chief Marketing Officer for Southern Pacific Academy."

Sam relaxed visibly. "Oh, my online school. I always worked with Cross. He knew not to call before ten but since you didn't, we won’t worry about it. What can I do for you, Mumpkin."

"Mister Cross has left the position. His duties have fallen to me to continue. Chief among these duties is to call and speak to you about your continued association with the Academy." Mumpkin explained.

Sam's face stiffened. Her tone turned serious. "And what might you mean by that?" she asked.

"I really would prefer to speak to you about this in person. I will be at a high school in your neighborhood this morning. Venice High School North. Do you know where that is?" Mumpkin asked.

"Yes." Sam said tersely.

"Good. Shall we say, at the school office at 9:30? And please bring a number two pencil. There were some irregularities with the last two tests you took." Mr Mumpkin said.

"What sort of irregularities?" Sam asked. But Mumpkin was firm.

 "I would rather we discuss that at the meeting."

"Fine. See you then, I guess. Bye." Sam was done talking to this guy and hung up before he answered. "Well chiz." She said aloud to noone.

 

"What happened?" Cat asked.

"Some chiz little bichon boy executive over at my school needs to talk to me. He's gonna be at Dice's school today and wants to meet. I've already done a commercial for both semesters and that takes me through to graduation. If he wants me to do another one, they’re gonna have to pay me." Sam said.

"Well if they're paying you for a commercial, see if they need any other students." Cat said.

"The whole point is that you do it at home alone, but I'll ask." Sam said.

"Maybe they'll want to do a virtual classroom and have ten kids in different rooms all with headsets chatting on apPear about history, who can't believe they are going to school with the famous Sam Pumpkin of the iCarly webshow." Cat said. She was getting excited over her idea.

"It's Puckett." Sam said.

"But two days ago you said it wasn't." Cat said.

"No, two days ago I said my name wasn't Puckell. Which it's not." Sam said. It wasn’t the answer Cat wanted to hear.

"I don't know why you keep doing this with your name, Sam. Messing with me about it. But it's not funny and its not nice, and I'd like you to stop."

She definitely seemed sincere and Sam didn't want to make things worse. Which was odd because usually she loved to make things worse. She decided to file that away to think about later. For now she would just force herself to not roll her eyes or make some snarky comment. She limited herself to saying, "Okay, kid, that's fair."

"Thanks, Sam," Cat replied, smiling so big and bright it made Sam feel good even though the whole problem was only in Cat's mind.

 

"Maybe, you can give Dice a ride, since you're going to his school today. All his little friends will think he’s so cool riding in on the back of a motorcycle with his cool teenage friend." Cat said.

"No. And shouldn’t you be heading out too?" Sam asked. “Not that I don’t want those pancakes you’re making.”

"No school today. Teacher in service. Every high school in the state is having a teacher in service." Cat said.

"Wait, then why did you suggest I drive Dice to school?" Sam asked.

"I know, right? So weird." Cat said but it was clear she was just talking and not even following her own conversation.

"Whatever, I have to go. Just let me grab some of those pancakes.” She put all the pancakes but one in her pocket, grabbed all the bacon and put it in her other pocket. She picked up the syrup and held it still for a moment as if debating whether to pour some over the. She opted to drink a few big gulps instead. "That'll have to hold me." She said as she set the bottle down with a thud, right in front of a shocked Cat.

Cat‘s expression melted into disappointment. "That was my breakfast too, you know." She said.

"I left you one." Sam replied. "And you could make more if you want."

 

When Sam opened the door, Dice was standing before her with a hand raised and ready to knock.

“Hey Dice.” Sam said as she brushed past.

“Wait, where are you going? I thought we were gonna talk?” Dice asked.

"Oh yeah, I forgot." Sam says smacking her forehead. "It's okay, I got this."

"Hey Cat," She shouts, ignoring Dice who is waving his arms, shaking his head, drawing his finger across his throat. Doing everything he can silently do to tell her 'No, don't do this'.

"Cat, Diceman has been hearing around the playground that girls and boys are different. He came to me for the talk. But I don't really have time. So I need you to do it."

"But Sam," Cat begins.

"Byyeee. You two have fun. Cat’s making pancakes." Sam said as she closed the door.

 

Cat looked at Dice, who looked back blankly. Neither was prepared for this. Both were feeling increasingly uncomfortable.

"So. Pancakes.” Dice said.

“Right. I’ll get on that.” Cat said.

She turned her back, happy to not have to look Dice in the eye, and quickly gathered more eggs and flour. She avoided his gaze as she made the new batch, and even when she handed him a plate piled with pancakes.

"Here, you get started on these. I'm not hungry all of a sudden. I think I'll make a cake. You just watch TV or play video games. Whatever you want."

"Come on Cat. You aren't exactly one of the guys, that's why I went to Sam. But you're my friend too and I really do need help if its okay." Dice said. Cat sighed, forcing herself to look at him.

"You're right, Dice. We can be adults about this. It's just natural, normal curiosity. Knowledge is power they say. Speaking of knowledge, what about your school? Don’t they answer any questions you have?” Cat asked.

"It's like I told Sam, I was absent that day, and its not something you want to ask the teacher for extra study on."

"Fair enough." Cat said. "Yeah, we can totally do this... Eat your pancakes, then we'll talk."

* * *

 

Sam wandered the halls of the school for five minutes before she found the office. It was right near where she walked. She’d have seen it if she turned left instead of right, but there'd been no signs.

Even once she found her way in it was still a challenge to find Mr. Mumpkin. He felt it was reasonable in an empty building to wait for her in the conference room, rather than near the entrance.

But eventually she located him, and his first words were, "I believe we said Nine thirty. I see it is now Nine forty eight. I do have other meetings today, Miss Puckett."

"Yes, Mumpkin, I have several things I'd rather be doing as well. But here we are. And here we'll stay I assume until we are done. So, since _you_ called this meeting, how bout you start?" Sam said.

"Yes, Miss Puckett, let me first say that American Pacific Academy is satisfied with the return we have seen from our investment in you. We are the first of the Academies that offer the private school experience in the student's homes to have revenue and enrollment that surpassed projections. We acknowledge the likelihood that your advertisements and endorsement play a role in that success."

"Okay-" Sam said with a 'get on with it' gesture.

 

"However, we have just purchased the latest in Artificial Intelligence Technology. A program that will conduct classes and produce examination materials without need for human oversight or interaction. To celebrate this we have decided to use a Computer generated spokes person. Of course we borrowed some from your appearance in the design in a desire to keep the brand recognizable. But not enough that royalties of any kind would be necessary. She is 40% you for continuity, 30% Nikki Minaj for sassy attitude and artistic flair, 25% Justice Sotamayor for wisdom education and academic achievement. She’s 7% Ryan Lochte for athleticism and so she isn't _so_ feminine as to alienate male students and 4% Oprah for that entrepreneurial spirit."

“That's 106%." Sam said.

"In marketing you never want to give the customer only 100%. Here let me show you a picture." He shows Sam a picture that looks just like her with a tan photo-shopped on. This is Sam Pacifica. So she has the same initials as south pacific."

"Same initials as me too. Same first name, and that picture just looks like me with a tan."

"Sam Pacifica's darker skin is meant to indicate a multicultural aesthetic that was missing from your time as spokesperson." Mumpkin said.

"Wouldn't multiculturalism be better shown by presenting multiple kids each of a different culture?" Sam asked.

"You know, we discussed that. And decided no. It is best demonstrated by Sam Pacifica here." Mumpkin said.

"That name sounds like a California surf bunny. I don’t like her." Sam crossed her arms in disapproval.

 

"Well, as it turns out, your contract does not stipulate that you get approval on your replacement. I only informed you of your replacement as a courtesy. The reason I chose to meet with you today is you have enjoyed certain privileges as the face of the academy that you will no longer be able to enjoy. Moving forward you will be held to the same standards as all other students. For example, last week in your American history class you turned in your shopping list as a current event project." Mumpkin said.

"That's because shopping was the event I was currently involved with." Sam shrugged.

"Be that as it may, it will no longer be acceptable. My initial instinct was to suggest that you would perhaps be happier somewhere else. You have made it clear that you have no interest in performing to our strict academic standards, and also have no interest in the prestige and respect that is due to you as one of our students. You have never attended a single extra curricular event, though you have been invited to each of them. It seems the reasonable thing to do would be for the entire partnership be immediately and agreeably dissolved.”

"Yeah, but-" Sam began.

The man held a finger up to indicate he was almost finished.

"My lawyers have already informed me that your contract specifically requires one commercial advertisement a semester in lieu of tuition. You have fulfilled your obligation to us, and getting free tuition waved any initial payment you were owed.” Before Sam could argue the point he continued.

“Your contract also waved any future royalties. I believe I heard that your lawyer in the negotiation was a friend of the family, and not a lawyer at all."

"Spencer Shay. He went to law school, just didn't finish or take the bar. But he was the staff lawyer for the iCarly web show." Sam said.

“Well that explains why he didn't catch it. But our law-"

 

Sam interrupted him. "He did catch it. If you had the original copy of the contract in front of you, you would see Spencer wrote ‘What about royalties for continued use?’ in the margin. It’s just that everything happened so fast. The webshow was ending and I was anxious to get on the road and away from some memories, so when we didn't hear back from your people I just signed it as is."

"Either way, I’ve been instructed not to amend any agreements. It's simpler to just… wait for you to flunk out on your own." Mumkin said

"Well Mister Muppet, that's where I have an issue to address.” Sam finally took the floor. “First, thank you for bringing up royalties. I know what local commercials pay. I know what national commercials pay. I know what they pay when they star one person alone. I know what they pay each member of an ensemble group. I know what they pay an unknown-“

“Do you have a point?” Mumpkin interrupted. Sam leaned closer to him, ready to reveal _her_ cards in this weird exchange.

“I know what someone like me can expect to be paid for royalties, and I know that a contract signed by someone under eighteen can be contested in court. I also know that based on your target audience, most of your students would hear about my _suing_ you and would probably look into other online schools to attend. Good enough point for ya? Or would you like to buy me a bucket of chicken to eat while we continue this discussion.” Maybe it was the serious tone of her threat, maybe it was just her message, either way it made Mumpkin extremely uncomfortable. He couldn’t even look at her when he conceded.

"I think we're done here." He said softly.

* * *

 

Cat and Dice faced each other on the couch. Between them stood a whiteboard with man and woman drawings simplified to the point of restroom signs. Several household objects sat on the coffee table.

"Okay, it's been two hours. I'd like to get through this while I'm still young enough to want to do it." Dice said.

"Don't you think I want to get through it Dice? Do you think Dirty Talk with Dice is some new TV show I want to pitch to the networks? Cause its not Dice, its really, really not. I think that whole business boys have down there is gross and a little scary. I'm wishing I could spank Sam's bare bottom for even putting me in this situation." Cat rambled. Dice held up his hands defensively.

"One thing at a time, okay Cat? Lets sort out my stuff now and talk about how you want to spank Sam's bare butt later."

It seemed to settle Cat enough for Dice to get back to his questions.

"Now I'm good with the boy parts. I know them. And my hopes of learning everything were dashed about an hour and a half ago. Just two last questions. What is the difference between a vagina and a vulva? And where and what is the clitoris. Is it the same thing as either of those other two?" He asked.

 

"What have I said Dice. Three times? Four? Forty-four? If you are going to use dirty words I can't do this. Now ask your questions like a gentleman." Cat demanded.

"We've proven for two hours that that doesn't work, but fine." He picked up a gumdrop then looked at the other objects, selecting a crawdad refrigerator magnet. "Now the gumdrop that's on top of the girls crawdad."

Cat started laughing. "Girls do not have a crawdad, and gumdrops are not on crawdads anyway. Gumdrops are on tangerines. You really don't know any of this stuff do you?"

Dice almost yelled that his knowledge was a lot clearer when he was allowed to use the right words, but they had already had that argument today. He couldn’t remember which euphemism she assigned to which body part but he thought he might have figured out 'gumdrops' and 'tangerine' from context.

"Okay different question then. If I'm supposed to kiss her gumdrop before I put my crawdad in her tangerine. How long do I kiss it for."

Cat looked a little horrified, and seriously grossed out. "I don't know how you think you'll put anything _in_ her tangerine."

Dice sighed loudly in defeat just as Sam walked in the front door.

 

"You would not believe the morning I had." She said. She paused when she saw the 'educational materials'. "Are you guys still at this? What are all these things?"

"I couldn't find the Ice cream scoop so I ended up using this crawdad fridge magnet. I think it's made it a lot harder than it needed to be." Cat said.

"Come with me, Dice. I'll show you everything you need to know." Sam said.

Dice looked panicked. "I don't know Sam. I think we were just about to get this all sorted for good."

"Now, kid. I guarantee you'll like it." Sam continued.

Dice looked even more scared but he obediently stood up and followed her to the bedroom.

Cat sat on the couch thinking Sam couldn't possibly be doing what it sounded like she was going to do. Sam was a bit wild, but Dice was just a boy. She couldn't possibly be doing this. Well-"

Cat argued with herself like this for several minutes before she decided to march in the bedroom and investigate. She found them on Sam's bed, looking at an issue of Sam's XXX-Men Comic.

 

"And that's everything you need to know." Sam was finished with her version of the talk, in less than a tenth of the time Cat had taken up.

"And you say this stuff is on the internet? For free?" Dice asked.

"Why do I get the feeling I'm not gonna see you for three months and then when I do your right arm will be three times the size of your left. Yes, it’s free on the internet. Everywhere. They even have stuff made with real people. And movies of people actually doing it.” Sam said. After a second of thought she added, “But please, for goodness sake, alternate hands sometimes. It feels different. You'll be glad you did.”

"And that should be enough.” Cat said as she walked over to them. “Dice, I'm sure you would like to head on home. Go ahead and borrow the comic. Take this one too. Hmmm, Sergeant Slutgobbler. Sounds lovely. Take 'em home and um… practice drawing the pictures." She added awkwardly.

“You don't need to borrow. Just keep 'em." Sam said.

"Really? Aww, thanks Sam." Dice took the magazines and bolted like he had an important appointment to get to.

 

Cat glanced at the visible covers while trying to not let Sam know she was looking. "So these are the comics that were with your things that Freddie sent?"

“Yeah. I have a whole box of them. I'm sure Freddie didn't know or they would have gotten 'lost in the mail' when I asked him to ship my stuff." Sam smiled at the thought.

“I've never seen comics like that before. When you said a box of your comics, I was thinking they were like Quentin the Snoof or something." Cat said.

"What's that?" Sam asked.

"Didn't you read Quentin the Snoof when you were a kid? I thought all little kids loved him." Cat explained. "He was a snail but he had hoofs. Sort of like half snail and half horse. And he didn't fit in with the snails because he had legs and hoofs, and he didn't fit in with the horses because he was gross and he didn't fit in with anyone because he was horribly, horribly ugly. And every comic was him having a different adventure about not judging things and people by appearance, which he never really seemed to learn. Because even though he was an ugly gross freak he was still pretty judgmental."

"Sounds… great.” Sam said, unconvinced. “But I never really read comics as a kid. It wasn't until I discovered this kind at fifteen that I really got into them. I actually discovered mainstream comics after reading these. And even the few non-umm, snuggle related comics I read are still adult only ones. Like that vigilante justice one, the Hog Butcher."

“I don't want to talk about your gross violence books." Cat said in a whiny tone, flipping through the comics in the box. "Do you have any without any boys? Do they make comics like that? With just girls in them?"

 

"Yep. And as it turns out, I have quite a few. A bit over half of what I have actually." Sam replied.

"And if I wanted to read one, just for curiosity, what would you recommend? Something with girls our age. I don't want anyone to be all old. Maybe a blonde haired hero? And I want love, I don't want sloppy flopping like hormone potatoes. What about that Japanese sailor girl from the cartoons. Do they have comics like this of her?"

“Thousands actually." Sam said. " What about Catgirl and Marvelous Maiden. You like their cartoon. Best friends with hints of more. Our age. Beautiful. A blonde and a redhead. I have eight. So if you like one, there's another."

“They really have comics of them? Like, real comics?" Cat asked.

Sam dug the comics she was looking for out of the box. "Here's number one." She handed the comic to Cat and picked one up for herself. They lay side-by-side as they read, occasionally pointing out the art to each other or quoting a particularly good line.

“What's this? It looks like she has a boys scooper." Cat said pointing at a picture.

"Well I know you know what dildos are. I'm not going to call it an ice cream scoop. The only reason you call it that is because that's the first thing you looked at when you were asking me questions before." Sam said. Cat just looked at Sam with her poor little 'pet me' kitten eyes. Sam rolled her eyes in return.

"Okay. That is like a rubber ice cream scoop, well silicone actually. And where some strap or tie on that one has a bulb like a short fat scoop that goes in her to hold it in place so she can play naked tag with her friend like boys and girls do.” She explained.

“Are those real?” Cat asked, wide eyed. “Do they really have those or are they just in comics?"

“Oh, they're real. I'll show you one in a store sometime." Sam said. She went back to reading.

“Kay kay." Cat said as she went back to reading too. It didn’t keep her attention for long. She preferred crawling up to lie on Sam's back and read over her shoulder. Sam didn’t mind.


End file.
